Feeling Caught

It is a sunny and mild Friday in England, and I am enjoying a quiet couple of hours while the two year old is asleep. We have already been for a walk just down the street to Burdwood Surgery (the health clinic) for my daughter's latest thumb check. (This has been an ongoing part of our routine since her thumb came between the door and door frame of a cupboard at nursery last week, and for the record, it is definitely healing but rather slowly.) We have already ventured out to the petrol station to fill up the tank in my car. It has been a very low key day.

While I was finishing at the petrol station and trying to decide where we would go next, my daughter promptly fell asleep. This, of course, meant that I would accomplish nothing else in the immediate time. A nap is definitely priority number one, so here we are back at the house.

There is the soundly sleeping toddler and the mother who is putting the other stuff of the day on hold. The shopping will wait. The afternoon walk at the Roman wall will wait. So, I find myself with a bit of time, and I have decided to use it for this blog that has certainly been waiting in recent weeks. I realize that with blogging practice as well as with many other aspects of everyday life I often feel caught.

Caught between having the time and choosing to take the time.

Caught between accomplishing things that I need to do and things that I want to do.

Caught between writing these reflections and ticking off some things from the ongoing to-do list.

I rarely feel free of this pull from in between. The tricky thing about this potentially unsettling pull is that there is more than just the demands of the everyday. There are more impacting situations of people and relationship--of past and future. And it seems with these at the heart that the pull intensifies and life becomes even more complicated. I then find myself very conflicted in the midst of the pull with a deep desire for resolution and peace. So, I do very often find myself feeling caught.

Caught between the pull and the need for resolution.

Caught between wanting to fix things and really having no control over things at all.

Caught between life today and life tomorrow.

Lately, I have experienced the vast cavern between broken relationship. It is sad and painful. I without a doubt feel caught between divided sides, and there is absolutely nothing I am able to do to change this. With this truth on my mind and on my heart, it becomes all too obvious that the pull from in between intensifies and life is officially complicated. I can offer love and compassion but have no control over the ins and outs and ups and downs. And I can see in the immediate future that the complications will only perpetuate. I can't help but feel caught.

As I have been writing and reflecting on this truth in my life, I have been watching and listening to the sleeping toddler. Although these glimpses of her do not erase the reality of my feeling caught, they certainly do remind me that there is peace--a peace that waits even when we aren't always able to find it. I may rarely feel free of this pull from in between, but I am able to claim some peace along the way. And for this I am grateful.

Now I will set the reflections aside for awhile and prepare for the toddler to wake up. I may on some level feel caught between the things of life, but today there is a full-of-possibility afternoon that is before us. The sun is still shining. The plans are still waiting. I must be ready to claim a bit of this peace and enjoy it with her as freely as possible from the pull of the in between.

Okay, so I could not resist...(and now you

are able to see the evidence of the thumb).